hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
