Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
