Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
