mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
the liver wants what the liver wants
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
