Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
