From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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