I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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