so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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