They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
