I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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