well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
