im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
