I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
