toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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