I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
