wrigley field is MILF paradise
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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