i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
