so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
