I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
