grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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