remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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