just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
