i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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