I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
