All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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