Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
