If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
