i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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