I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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