dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
