I wish I could teleport
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
