I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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