I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
