I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
