Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize