i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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