I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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