Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize