Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
