he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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