Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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