I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
