For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize