the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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