I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
