Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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