He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
