I could have mohawked her pubes.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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