My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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