i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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