I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
