Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
