the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
