paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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