Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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