I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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